*____I can never forget___

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

:( 1 year of memorial... my love... how i miss u n u dun :(

today is 1 year since we break. we broke bcos i dunno how to be a simple person. all my fault. after so long, i managed to be quite alright already. but maybe over do it. i try to go out with other guys (friend friend only), even try to go to places we have memories. cos i think i cant avoid it forever. n the best is to cover up the memory of that place with other memory. i realised i've been harassing him after we break. i didnt know at that time cos i just cant control myself. cos after awhile i will msg him, some things like secret code or wat (siao de) or ask for patch n stuff. i truly want to say SORRY for the things that disturbed you. it was during exam period. i really cant concentrate, i cant slp or eat. my mind was thinking of him all the time. until i feel i might burst n turn crazy... haiz... shi lian really very stong effect. the solution is to not think of anything associate to him. cannot start thinking even like (i cannot think of him). there... the 'him' already u thinking already.

memories... ... walk to where he lives with his aunt. bought him beard papa puff and share. on other occassion. bought 2 ice-cream cone from the interchange to the mrt. he bought drinks n went his downstairs to eat n chat. other occassion, bought cup corn from westmall basement, then to shophouses bought fruits. went to the usual downstairs to eat n chat. he accompany mi to the busstop. ... ... b4 we started... ... same class for 1 sem, didnt realise or get know to their group. always hang around with zhiming, ruiyi and alan. until end of sem exam, class 1st outing to ktv at kster paradiz. 1st noticed him when he sings. it was Qing Tian by jay chou. i thought he sounded like him. n they say i sing not bad. then was the chalet. we played football on the beach n i keep accidentally step on his feet. think mi abit rough or clumsy bah. when going back, we passed the water around. he pass to mi. n when i passed back to him, i called him as keigo san. but i nv call him that when other ppl start calling this too. that nite was very fun. everyone playing together. very funny. there was true or dare. played for a long time. almost everyone was asked the same questions. when they asked who i would choose to be bf or to kiss among them, it will be embarassing to say one person. so i said either keigo or tuan teng. when this question was asked, i know i had a crushed on him. there was then some digit game whereby 2 person will be choosen in 2 game to take photo requested by others. i keep hoping i get a chance to take photo with him. but haiz... mi so ugly. he go wear his jacket. which make him looks nicer... :) christmas time we meet n walk everywhere around suntec n millenia walk. catch movie with friends at abt 3? when exchange present, how i hope i could get his or he get mine. new year eve, we meet out again. then got book a room at hotel 81. alot of ppl squeeze inside. exchange present. the other i nv give much cos dunno wat to buy. for him, i bought a necklace. but think not his taste. nv see him wear b4. when sch reopen, it was after mid jan when we start toking more. he buy mi back earring. so happy. n which i think he notice mi n had a little liking towards mi. it was study period 1 week b4 valentine day. n i saw westside story suddenly wang shao wei appear in the show. then i alert up. ei... they look alike leh... the nxt day at sch library study, i told him that. that time i havent noticed 5566 very much n dunno their member n anyone's name. so from then on, wang shao wei is my another idol. n 5566. he came to ask if anything i dunno can ask him. he even sat beside mi. even if its friend friend or wat, my heart was thumping abit with happiness. then i started chatting on msn n hp with him. i told him if got mtv asia award ticket, if can spare mi 1. i even asked him help mi send to win the ticket. so 2 person got higher chance. but then he got 2 tickets from edwin. n say go together. he wanna see oso n nobody wanna see liao. ahh... i happy until... didnt realise it was on valentines day. wow... so great. thought valentines day alone. but got a date with someone i like. we met at suntec n went to eat at marche. wow... i nv go out alone with guy de. but mi very happi. my feeling now is same as the situation i thinking. then we took cab to indoor stadium where edwin passed us the ticket. ic... so he working there so got ticket. i enjoy it. it was rare opportunity to see such thing n alone with him. after that, we went toilet n walk round the stadium b4 trying to go back. he just pick a ballon from the floor to mi. at the kallang mrt, we board a taxi back. i say give the balloon to his cousin ba... give mi oso no use. then he say i give 1 u dun1 arh. then i quickly took it back... want... y dun1... omg. a sec later i realise... omg i like give out myself that i like him like that... so pai seh. then was cyndi 1st album, i ask him buy for mi as he will be passing by the shop. we like quite close friend liao to ask him favours. he passed it to mi in class. i i feel quite paiseh as in front of everyone. but sweet as well. then give them disturb. but i juz say only shun bian only. we went to kbox very often. each week once. on IS wednesday. i keep hoping he sit beside mi. then 1 time, the ppl there asked wanna take photo anot... for dunno how much. we took, n the others like pull him stand behind mi. then we came back sch, he teach mi mpi. 2 of us only. i told him abt my sister... only to realise ive been cheated by my ex. that sis was actually hyori from korea. then i keep creating chance. like i dun feel like going back, take same bus with him to westmall walk walk alone then go home. he say accompany mi awhile lor. n treated mi coffee bean. so happy. else if my friend say wanna meet at westmall, i will be so happy oso... then i got chance to to 61 with him. even if got other friend. that time my friend havent reach. so he say walk with mi 1st. then my friend came n i showed him to her. hehe... told her him i like de. in sch, they would always go the other side of sch to kick football. my eyes was only on him. when i think he look my way, i would quickly turn away. almost every nite, he will msg sweet gd nite msges, or tok wif sms. i kept all forward sms n some normal tok sms. cos i feel sometimes the way he say like so close wif him like that. n his sms getting moroe obvious. but i still kept apart thinking im just a normal friend to him. else my dissappointment will be more. then, on march 17 2004, he msg, do u want to be my d_ _ r? i replied... do u wanna be my deer? do u wanna be my door??? i keep anyhow guess. he keep saying no. cos mi wanna him to spell out. but mi very very happi n excited already. but then i didnt agree right away. cos still must think abit. i really enjoyed us together this past month. will things be the same if we r together, will we quarrel or turn sour? i really dun mind us stay this way longer. but he already asked liao... then had a chat with willy. he say y dun give wach other a chance to try out... wanna hang high high to sell arh... haha... no la... then on 20th march 2004, i agreed. we didnt say out. but friends should be able to see out. a few days later class went to have steamboat. we sat close together n he take food to mi. like that all know liao lor. at kbox, our song was NI ZUI ZHEN GUI. its a must song. ppl will auto delicate de. he will send mi home, then mi wait with him for his bus to come b4 i walk back. the usual busstop. nxt is the changing of my whole self. he bought clothes, jeans, cut hair, put make up, bought mi adidas shoe. n all the place we've been seems so much memory. once i was sick, then go his house he take medicine, then sit other block high level. got wind. lying on him was comfortable. every nite we will tok awhile b4 we sleep. n surely theres kisses. we went to sentosa alone b4. suntanning. i remembered all i said which he laughed. mi sing a sentence little umbrella, n mentioning abt taking a photo while hugging the tree. how i wish i hugged him at that time he suntanning. like so sweet. but mi scare later he one patch body white. haha... then we walked around sentosa, go see musical fountain which got super huge crowd of tourist. once when we went to sheila birthday chalet. my memory there. things start to worsen when i think i can test him. i become a little bad temper. but my fault that i didnt even communicate with him much on bus all the way. cos scare i wanna vomit. n mi always scare this n that... feel abit wanna cry. i wasnt like that b4... i think he is nice n i am not gd. i say i scare one day u might leave mi. that make mi a little depress. then he buai tahan mi n msg... can you plz dun think so much, i wont leave you wan... where got say wont leave means wont leave. u dunno wat i mean. didnt u leave mi now... one time, dunno wat day, went to see fireworks at esplanade bridge. who noes, it was block by the building. then mi not happy. i was angry with the firework. unable to see. but he thought mi angry mi or that y angry over such matter. he say nxt time bring mi see. but i say dun1. i dunn1 to see again. he thought mi angry him. though i say no. stupid firework. i really hate it. make us unhappi n quarrel. i promise not to cry b4. then on the bus back, listen to his mp 3, he press the 1st song to my favourite, JJ jiang nan. intentionally or not, mi feel he play it for mi to listen. mi so touched. but nv show it out. tears in my eyes. after it, he press to a little of his favourite that time. he played The Reason. which i think abit wat he wanna tell mi. i really love him so much. but y i nv say it. once when i asked him if he remember when we started together. he say dunno n nwant mi tell him. but mi a little angry only n dun1 tell him. haiz... stupid temper. then on 20th july 2004, around stsudy week, we broke. b4 that, we went to watch movie alien vs predator with the gang. on the bus back. think he already thinking how to break with mi le bah... he got say on the bus. see... u nv even look at mi. im really hateful. under my void deck, he say, sit sit n tok 1st. i sense sth wrong. after saying awhile, he say think we should leave each other ba... i keep asking y... i dun1. i really dun1. i wanted a chance. pls. actually i didnt cry. i already promised no to cry le. but then he say just hug 1 last time. n that moment when we hug, tear dropped down unceontrollably... ultimate sadness filled my whole self. only then i realise the realilty. pain pain n only pain. as i say exam was round the corner. i just couldnt concerntrate. i could feel only pain. dun1 face anyone. but have to go sch. i wanna hit wall, vent my emotions thats cooping inside. sometimes i even send msg like blah blah bblah i really _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.... think i was really disturbing u... after that, we nv tok. we r like far apart. i feel the friends r pulling us apart too. though we sit beside each other everyday when doing project, i was really hard for mi. i know his feelings now might be everything alright for him. cos he initiate the break. maybe he doesnt even care wat i feel. n in fact, he doesnt need to care. he might already be liking someone not long after we break. was a little heart broken. but its my buisness.

keigo... just wanna say, i really really treasure those memories n thank you for everything n loving mi b4. n im very sorry for make u unhappy either during the relationship or after. all the best for u. alll the best for u.

n for those that love mi n comfort mi, i really do appreciate. i noe a few ppl that like mi. but i really is unable to like anyone of u now. dunnit be so good to mi.

n for that person that is always beside mi n willing to help mi, actually, after when we graduated, then i feel touched about the things u done. i really appreciate. i nv tell u so bcos i cant let u have the hope of u have chance or wat... right now i really dun think much abt relationship. u are now busy with your work. hope everything is well for u. thanks so much for everything everything.

flashbacks of the past [10:09 AM]

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